SEND ME PACKING
What if I am against boundaries? Reactionary proof you could seep in touch every part of me I cannot reach
Disgust me send me packing*
I never wanted that
Until This Very Moment lying face down its obvious
That I need it and I always have since I was the type of child
To spend hours in waiting rooms for appointments booked
On the next day -
Here I am having my fifth shower of the night tender pruned fingers mining hard into the soap bar
And looking at the weight of my hands the importance of the holes
Broad in depth and damage stuck forever under my fingernails
I encourage it up and don’t think about how I will clean it out
I welcome consequence - Again,
having my fifth shower of the night.
Living with the doors open its a direct line
To my room where I’ve lost gage of what kinds
Of nights shouldn’t (or are too fucked up) end in masturbation
In 2008 my dad buys me pepper spray from the
Flemington markets I fuck around with the can and set it
Off in my face. I can’t go numb so
I press my pruned fingers on
My swollen crotch and Am
defeated by myself again.
Violence overwhelms us strangely, foreign to the order of things** and
I’m gunning to be in the passenger seat where we’re
Driving anywhere and deal without
words for the while cause Some things that have happened
aren’t words at all
I type them out and they light up with the red error line there’s a space between
Silence and silent, its spilling out of my mouth but how am I supposed to have
Anything to say.
*Irene Stilt My Pleasure
**George Bataille The Tears of Eros
Here I am having my fifth shower of the night tender pruned fingers mining hard into the soap bar
And looking at the weight of my hands the importance of the holes
Broad in depth and damage stuck forever under my fingernails
I encourage it up and don’t think about how I will clean it out
I welcome consequence - Again,
having my fifth shower of the night.
Living with the doors open its a direct line
To my room where I’ve lost gage of what kinds
Of nights shouldn’t (or are too fucked up) end in masturbation
In 2008 my dad buys me pepper spray from the
Flemington markets I fuck around with the can and set it
Off on myself (or in my face?). I can’t go numb so I press my pruned fingers on
My swollen crotch and Am
defeated by myself again.
Violence overwhelms us strangely foreign to the order of things*** and
I’m gunning to be in the passenger seat where we’re
Driving anywhere and deal without
words for the while cause Some things that have happened
aren’t words at all
I type them out and they light up with the red error line there’s a space between
Silence and silent, its spilling out of my mouth but how am I supposed to have
Anything to say?
What if I am against boundaries? Reactionary proof you could seep in touch every part of me I cannot reach
Disgust me send me packing*
I never wanted that
Until This Very Moment lying face down its obvious
That I need it and I always have since I was the type of child
To spend hours in waiting rooms for appointments booked
On the next day
I could have a go at translating the ways I been asking before I knew
(I want to eat a bowl of soup and be held by you)**
(Please tell me what you want me to do) (will you Teach me one of your tricks) –
**Ananya Pandya